If hip-hop has taught us anything, it’s that rappers come in all shapes and sizes. The same goes in the prophylactic industry, where wrappers (of the condom variety) vary widely — some zanier than others.
30) Twilight Condoms (USA)
I would scoff at the concept of a male Twilight fan needing a condom, but I think we can all agree the world’s a better place knowing that such people won’t procreate.
29) One Condoms: One Time at Band Camp (USA)
The condom of choice for skin flute players.
28) One Good Game Cock (USA)
Even back in 1910, they could appreciate a good penis pun.
27) Obama Condoms (USA)
This presidential condom packaging features puns based on Obama’s campaign slogans: “Hope is not a form of protection” and “Change is coming.” Presumably rejected was “Use this so you won’t have to worry about another birth certificate.”
26) Cocky Wrappers: Rubik’s Cube Condoms (UK)
“The harder you play, the longer it gets” would also suffice.
25) Chucky Condoms (USA)
One of the promotional items for the horror movie sequel Seed of Chucky — about killer doll Chucky discovering that he fathered a son — was these condoms. As if the tasteless wordplay on the wrapper wasn’t bad enough (“Coming Halloween 2004,” “Get a load of Chucky”), the condoms were only available via a site called the “Sperm Bank” through which people earned “sperm” that they could cash in to buy movie-related products. Paid in sperm? Who do they think we are, White House interns?
24) One Condoms: One Shall Not Pass (USA)
Nothing says sexy like Lord of the Rings allusions.
23) Tiger Woods Condoms (USA)
Tiger Woods must have used these condoms to avoid fathering any Tiger cubs with his harem of trollops.
22) Israel Condoms (Israel)
Maybe if places like Libya, Iraq, North Korea and Antarctica had witty promotional condoms like these, their tourist industries would blossom.
21) Kamasutra Condoms (UK)
Who knew condoms could be educational? These condom wrappers instruct users on various sexual positions from the Kama Sutra. In order to consider yourself fully enlightened, though, you’ll have to buy all 64 of ’em.
20) Gundam Condoms (Japan)
I’m assuming Japanese anime fans are a lot more likely to need condoms than American anime fans.
19) Sarah Palin Condoms (USA)
These novelty condoms poke fun at the ex-Vice Presidential nominee with sayings like “When abortion is not an option” and “As thin as her résumé.” STD free? You betcha!
18) One Condoms: One-Eyed Monster (USA)
For paranoid guys who always want to keep an eye on their penis.
17) Kit Sack Candy Bar Condoms (Japan)
If you’re ever drunk and hungry, try not to have this condom pack made to resemble a Kit Kat candy bar around, because you could be in for a chewy, lubricated surprise.
16) Darth Vader Condoms (France)
If a galaxy far, far away had this bootleg Star Wars condom, Luke and Leia may never have been born, and we would’ve been spared their creepy semi-incestual relationship.
15) Wash It First Condoms (Canada)
This novelty condom recites the most romantic words that any married man can hope to hear.
14) In Case of Emergency T-Shirt Condoms (USA)
These condoms are wrapped in…a shirt. You’ll be happy to know the shirts come only in adult sizes.
13) Royal Wedding Condoms (UK)
12) Hello Kitty Condoms (Japan)
As if the lollipop design wasn’t disturbing enough, the thought of maintaining any level of sexual interest while staring at these cute little buggers is beyond icky.
11) Nakanishi Animal Black Condoms (Japan)
Oh boy. I’m not sure which is more racially offensive in this probably well-intentioned Japanse condom: the pickaninny mascot or the fact that it’s called ANIMAL BLACK.
10) The Comdom Factory: Pope Condoms (Netherlands)
As this condom implies, the Pope preferss birth control the old-fashioned way: soul-crushing guilt.
9) Oil Spill Condoms (USA)
Upset about the BP oil disaster? Do your part by serial boinking! Sales of this condom supposedly benefitted the Gulf Coast Oil Spill Fund at some point.
8) Nakanishi Juice Box Condoms (Japan)
I don’t know why you’d want to associate condoms with drinking anything, but these prophylactics come in tiny juice boxes, with a variety of flavored scents (not tastes), including strawberry, orange, peach, melon and…chocolate shake?
7) Occupy Condoms (USA)
99% of Americans like to have safe sex — sweaty, unhygienic, crowded, unemployed and very public safe sex.
6) Saddam Hussein Condoms (USA)
Back in 1990, someone made this novelty condom as an elaborate zinger on Saddam Hussein. It was sold on eBay in 2010, with the seller confirming it was, thankfully, “unused.”
5) Cartoon Condoms (Japan)
Small girl + large phallus = To Catch a Japanese Predator?
4) Che Guevara condoms (Latin America)
Why wouldn’t a Marxist revolutionary want his face used to hock condoms — ones made in the USA, no less?
3) Street Fighter Condoms (Japan)
Japan has long cornered the market on “disturbing,” but this explicit drawing of anatomically correct Street Fighter video game characters Ryu and Chun Li gettin’ balls deep may just take the cake.
2) Louis Vuitton Condoms (USA)
Consider this condom a sexual aid: I can’t think of any better motivation for ensuring your sexual experience is as good as can be than to have to shell out $68 every time you get busy.
1) Planned Parenthood: QR Barcode Condoms (USA)
Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest came up with condom wrappers with QR barcodes on them that lead users to a website where they can enter details of their sexual exploits — all tracked on a handly map pinpointing the horniest towns in the state of Washington. Who’s up for a road trip?